[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?