Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper