Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant