Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
This is my pinned tweet
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?