Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!