Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You Might Also Like
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You know…for fall…
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.