recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My daily affirmation
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”