there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
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Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …