recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Strange
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.