oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row