Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I did not eat the cake…
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
A friend sent me this.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”