Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
You Might Also Like
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.