*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
When someone says you are so lazy
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are