Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Mornin
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”