I used to be married, but I’m better now
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*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Not even remotely sorry.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles