Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*