I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Love it! 👍😂
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
<—- homeless romantic
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”