When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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Meow
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad