A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?