[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Happy Taco Tuesday
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home