Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
You Might Also Like
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
In Canada they just call them geese
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Body by Oreos
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁