They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans