Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
You Might Also Like
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab