unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
😂🤣😂🤣