Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
no their not
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.