New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.