*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer