GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.