the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
sigh
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
School be like
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.