I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree