Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened