Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.