Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!