“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
when you are just born a rebel
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*