If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker