Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.