[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.