*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Breaking news:
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.