* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Florida man
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.