inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Holy shit he’s back
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence