Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
where’s Godzilla when we need him
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.