*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.