They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
How dramatic are you?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Teach your children to beatbox
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.