Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Weirdly Wednesday.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
multitasking lunch
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Had to try this trend 😊
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!