A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.