Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Ken is short for chicken
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Yes
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Sponch
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol