People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.