I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
You Might Also Like
where do you see yourself in five years?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.