ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.