ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old